Which Of The Following Statements About Online Learning Is True

Any claim that online learning enables you to learn something new that you haven’t known how to learn before is wrong.

Below is a satirical list of statements that the leading liberal media and education advocates have made about the future of online education. This article is not a diagnosis of an actual health crisis, but a sketch for a comedic play.

Here are the statements per usual, followed by mocking signs:

“It should be self-evident that young people must learn skills and how to think beyond the four walls of the classroom in order to become productive citizens and contributing members of society. They must learn to reason, analyze and plan, possess the analytical skills necessary to identify patterns and predict and understand the future.”

But only highly trained professionals — members of what was called the “service economy” — could teach these types of skills, making courses unnecessary because those who wished to use them should seek out schools, universities, rehabilitation centers, charter schools, or the Web rather than taking education from human beings.

“Now, I know many of you will wonder why politicians would call for mandatory learning of physical skills for future generations, given the existence of rubber injection machines and lax regulations in the physical-training industry — a business we ourselves have dominated for decades.”

Of course, there was a prior movement to institute self-compulsory “working-class competence” skills, which didn’t succeed, but that isn’t the point here. This movement was mostly concerned with good old-fashioned manual labor.

“In less than two decades, now that every child is connected to the internet by the time they begin kindergarten, they will learn how to jump rope by the time they’re able to finish reading.”

It’s ironic, since jumping rope wasn’t considered an intellectual activity, but people were encouraged to learn to pull strings to get into special training to achieve this. Hint to any policy makers who happen to listen: giving a kid a leaping rope is not going to turn them into a Jedi.

“A growing number of online high school diplomas are administered by U.S. employers.”

However, graduating from a college is different from being signed up to work as a waiter or busboy in a sandwich shop. One is contracted to do a specific job, while the other is paid for doing that job.

“Online education proves that distance learning is more important than face-to-face instruction.”

The 1990s saw a huge surge in student loan applications for both adults and children, as families started looking for more affordable and flexible ways to educate their children.

“Digital natives have always been expected to have a computer in their hands as a condition of enrollment.”

Unfortunately, these kids are making fewer jokes, and more viral videos of kids making terrible noises, than their parents were just a decade ago. Plus, it turns out the devices are hazardous to your health — just ask the victims of the Fort McMurray fire.

“When a student completes his or her education online, he or she is usually required to stay offline during the last few months of the school year.”

During that time, students must work as hard as ever to maintain their citizenship status, because it’s illegal for those without an Internet connection to get a driver’s license, vote, or apply for citizenship.

“Classrooms will be obsolete because everything can be viewed, not taught.”

The number of online courses increased exponentially in the beginning of the decade. But not for long. Many of the freebies are becoming too complex and too confusing for not-so-smart students to master in the allotted amount of time.

“Eventually we’ll see online-only training programs that completely insulate employees from any of the fundamental ingredients necessary to function properly in the world: certainty, ambiguity, complexity, surprise, rewards, and opportunity.”

By that time, every citizen will be a “computerized, Internet-enabled capitalist” for each company seeking to profit from the world’s labor.

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